In The Love Fix, I talk a lot about expectations. Timing is everything. Before you even start dating, think about who you want as your life partner. Sit with yourself. What are your deal-breakers? Then, how do you envision a relationship? Are you looking out for the red flags?
A psychiatrist wrote a book for therapists called the “5 Minute Session,” and he says that in a therapeutic session, he can see in 5 minutes how the relationship will go, and even how it might end.
This might sound a bit extreme, but you definitely don’t need to be a psychiatrist or psychologist to see the red flags right from the get-go, even the first date. What are some of those items you can look out for?
- Listening and Observing: Sometimes just by listening and observing, you can see the type of person he is. How does he treat the wait staff? Rude and disrespectful or kind and patient?
- Ask the long-term questions in a way that provides you with answers: After you’ve been dating for a while, ask the more long-term questions such as, “where do you see yourself in three years?” If he says “traveling and my career is the most important thing in my life,” and you’re a 30-something year-old, marriage-minded woman, with the biological clock ticking in the back of your mind, then maybe this is a time to say, “okay, our life goals don’t match up.”
- Is it like pulling teeth to make plans with him? But then he jumps every time a family member wants to do something with him? This is a huge red flag that he hasn’t individuated or separated from the family, and is therefore unable to eventually become a family with you.
- What does he say in regards to exes? The subject of past relationships and why they ended eventually comes up. Does he constantly bad-mouth his exes and play the blame game? Or, does he look back and have the ability to say “In retrospect, I’m able to really look at my choices and my part in the conflict?” These answers will show if he takes responsibility for his part in a two-person relationship.
- They say to never discuss politics, but… especially in a political season like this one, more than ever, it’s not as much as who you’re voting for or the economy, but a great look into the shared values of a potential mate. You should absolutely discuss politics with the mindset of watching for shared values, because having shared values is the foundation for a solid relationship.
When in my office, and couples look back, they see that a lot of these red flags were there from the beginning. Keep some of these tips in mind to help ensure you’ll have a long-lasting and healthy relationship.