Courtesy of Redbook Magazine - Article Featuring Tara Fields, Ph.D., LMFT

8 Pieces of Relationship Advice You Should Never Take

Plug your ears, ladies.

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Let’s get one thing straight: Even the healthiest of couples have plenty of not-so-stellar moments. So just because you’re going through a tough time doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce. And you probably just want some advice that will actually make a difference. The bad news is that a lot of the wisdom being tossed around by friends over a hefty glass of wine isn’t exactly the best. Of course they mean well, but that doesn’t mean you should listen to it. Seriously.

“Women tend to be quick to offer their opinion, particularly when it comes to relationship advice, regardless of their expertise or state of mind,” says Laurel House, relationship expert and author of Screwing the Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love.“And while having a girlfriend as a sounding board is great and can help bring clarity to a problem, talking to the wrong people at the wrong time–and taking their insight as fact instead of opinion—can not only steer you wrong, but completely derail your marriage.” 

In other words, next time you hear these words and pause to consider it as sage advice, go ahead and file ’em in the “forget it” file. 

“Problem? Just don’t have sex. That’ll get his attention.” 

Playing hard to get may have worked in your dating days, but research shows, unsurprisingly, that being aloof and distant when you’re in a committed, long-term relationship will make your partner think that you’re being, well, aloof and distant—and that’s a dangerous zone to be in when it comes to sex. “Denying intimacy as a way of punishment, or withholding it only to occasionally gift because he was good and deserves it is just another way of playing games,” says House, and you shouldn’t be doing that in a marriage (well, unless it’s these games). If you give sex a nasty undertone, or make it feel like it’s something he has to earn, it removes the fun, lightheartedness that a relationship needs to thrive. And remember, intimacy in the bedroom is what “allows you to be vulnerable and completely reveal yourselves to one another,” says House, so the more you withdraw from that, the more you put your relationship on ice.

“Stay together until the kids are out of the house.”

“One of the worst things you can do—for you, your husband, and your children—is pretend that reality is not reality,” says Tara Fields, Ph.D., licensed psychotherapist and author of The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now. “And parents are kidding themselves if they think their children aren’t aware of what’s going on. Not to mention it can be a major burden to them if they think mom and dad are staying together for their sake.” So skip the heartache and figure out what you both really want—now. “If you both feel strongly that you don’t want your children to come from a family of divorce, instead of just sucking it up and trying to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes—which doesn’t help anyone—get your butts into couples therapy and really make a concerted effort to repair the relationship,” says Fields. “That way, you’ll either figure out a healthy way to resolve your issues, or you’ll know for sure that you can’t make it work. If that happens, that same therapist can also teach you how to uncouple.” Fields also says it’s important to remember that it’s not the fact that parents don’t live under the same roof anymore that scars children, but rather growing up with parents that don’t know how to resolve conflict, are distant, and use them as a personal therapist. Instead, show them that your divorce has nothing to do with them (a common fear based on your child’s developmental stage) by making it clear that you and your spouse are still a parenting team, no matter what.

“Never go to bed angry.” 

It’s the first thing people wrote on the marriage advice page of your wedding guest book, and while it seems right to make up before you fall asleep, Patricia Johnson, sexuality expert and co-author of Designer Relationships, says you could just be slamming your head against a wall.”Talking is not the same thing as communicating, and doing it when you’re angry engages your logical mind, which often leads to building a case against your partner rather than connecting to fix the problem,” she says. Instead, just go to sleep (you know that’s what you really want anyway). Johnson explains that once you’ve had time to digest and rest, you’ll be in a better state of mind and have a clearer perspective about your partner, the relationship, and the issue at hand—you may even realize one of you blew a tiny problem way out of proportion when you got caught up in the heat of the moment, and it only got worse with your exhaustion. When you’re ready to talk again, she suggests focusing on the non-verbal cues first. “Look into each other’s eyes and breathe, and see if his body is positioned toward or away from you,” she says. If it’s toward you, or holding you in some way, that shows he’s open to having a meaningful discussion, too. 

“You’re almost 40…you have to lower your standards.” 

Please excuse us as we insert major amounts of eye rolling here. You are not a 1995 Honda Civic—you do not depreciate over time, and neither should your standards. “If someone is going to eliminate you from their ‘dating pool’ because of your age, then be happy that you can eliminate them right away, too, because clearly they’re not someone you should be with,” says Fields. “Dating later in life is not about what your standards are, but rather what your values are. What ‘s important to you now is different than what was important to you in your twenties.” So when you’re looking at whether or not someone is a potential long-term partner, you can consider things like how does he talk to his ex-wife, what are his goals in life, and how does he handle being with your children. Things that you thought mattered when you were younger—like how much money he makes—might not matter as much (because hell yes, you’re self-sufficient AF). “It’s not about lowering your standards, but figuring out what exactly your standards are,” says Fields. “And now that you’ve figured out who you are as a person, you shouldn’t settle for anything less than what you want in a partner.”   


“Having a baby will definitely bring you guys closer together.” 

Consider this the ultimate face-palm advice that was dished out in the 1950s that people are still listening to today. Think about it, though: Most American families need dual-incomes to make ends meet, and while bringing a baby into that picture can be joyous, it can also be extremely stressful. Not to mention getting pregnant with the idea that it’ll birth a new marriage is likely not going to work, says Peggy Sealfon, a personal development coach in Naples, Florida. “It creates a major distraction from addressing the real marital problems, which don’t go away. In fact, it’s much more likely that they’ll be exacerbated by the stress that naturally comes with caring for a child,” she says.

If a lack of nurturing is the root cause of your desire for a new addition to the family, Sealfon suggests taking on a new, potentially long-term project together that has value to the both of you. Something like a kitchen renovation helps you improve communication, dual decision-making, and working together under pressure (not to mention it puts all those House Hunters binges to good use), even if you are just dealing with colors, textures, and flooring to start. Then you can start to slowly address your relationship issues—potentially with the help of a professional—before revisiting the idea of growing your family. 

“He wants you to like what he likes.”  

Forget jumping on his favorite sports team bandwagon—research shows that couples who learn an activity or skill that’s new to both of them have a deeper bond and sense of intimacy, says Fields. So keep the passion going and make a list of things you’d like to try—whether it’s a one-time activity or a longer-term skill doesn’t matter—and have him do the same. Then get to work on crossing things off those lists. Once a month, pick something you can experience for the first time together. “It gives you the opportunity to support each other in becoming even better people, and facing fears that you probably wouldn’t have faced otherwise,” says Fields. “You might discover a new passion at the same time, which will make you more likely to want to do it together without it feeling forced. And it reminds you of the strengths that you both bring to the relationship, so that the two of you can learn from one another.” Example: Fields says that women usually have more emotional courage than men, so him taking on something that encourages him to express his feelings more (say, through a salsa dance class) would be a big step for him while you support him along the way. Whereas men tend to have more physical courage, so you learning to mountain bike while he helps you down a steep hill is big on your end. Regardless, “the healthiest relationship is the one that’s interdependent, where you maintain your sense of me and can do things on your own, but you can also become a ‘we’ and have those shared hobbies and experiences.”  

“If you’re convinced he’s cheating, question him until he confesses.” 

Plain and simple, lack of trust in a relationship will erode away your connection, no matter how long you’ve been together. And as the years in your marriage pile on, it’s easy for doubt to creep in. But “unless he has proven untrustworthy in the past, incessantly questioning him, checking his phone, and showing blatant distrust is a severe case of disrespect,” explains House, and respect is one of the vital emotions men need in order to feel fulfilled in their relationships. “You run the risk of him developing the mentality of, ‘I’m already getting in trouble for it, so I may as well do it,’ and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

If you really are concerned that he’s cheating, instead of attacking him, try having a candid talk about what attracted you to one another when you first got together, suggests House. It gives you a chance to open up emotionally about the intimacy you’re missing in the relationship, and be conversational—not accusatory—about your fears. “Express why you’re worried, along with any signals you think he might have given you, and go from there,” she says. And remember, if he did have an affair, but the two of you want to work through it, all hope is not lost. These tips can help you figure out your next steps

“Don’t tell him that, you’ll seem crazy.” 

The word “crazy” is too commonly associated with women in today’s society, and it leads women to believe that any problem in the relationship is most likely their fault, says Fields. So, logically, women refrain from truly expressing themselves in fear of being rejected. But “the point of a healthy relationship is that you are loved for your authentic self, and any time you don’t share a part of yourself with someone, you’re holding yourself back,” explains Fields. Instead, take a leap of faith and tell him how you’re really feeling—no matter what. Yes, there are ways to approach a problem in the relationship so that the conversation is a productive one, but it’s most important that you both be honest. In fact, Fields says that when you are, it’s more likely that “instead of him thinking you’re crazy, he might say, ‘Yeah, I’ve been thinking the same thing.’ Then you feel like you’re accepted for who you are, and it’s a huge sense of relief knowing that you don’t have to be scared to talk to your husband.” Now, that doesn’t mean that the two of you will agree on everything. But so long as you’re both comfortable enough to show your true feelings, you can work together to find a solution that appeals to both of you. “And, by the way, if he does say you’re crazy when you open up, then you’re with the wrong person,” she says. Noted. 

Read the original article here.

What to Do When Your Mom Is Totally Ready For You to Be a Mom

More than anything, your mother loved welcoming you into the world, so it’s really no wonder that the woman who raised you is ready for another bundle of baby joy. “The birth of a grandchild brings on the next phase of life for which some women are yearning,” explains Karen Ruskin, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Dr. Karen’s Marriage Manual.

And whether your mother wants to receive the love only a newborn baby can bring, is eager to bond with you in a new way or is concerned over her own aging, she may be putting pressure on you to procreate right now, regardless of whether you’re actually ready to have children. So if your mom wants you to become a mother too soon, here’s how to deal.

First, gently explain how you feel about having a baby and that you’re simply not ready right now. “It is imperative to communicate in a style in which you are being kind to your mother and thoughtful of how her behavior makes sense coming from her position,” says Ruskin. “Validate her feelings by communicating your understanding of her perspective and why her perspective is sensible.”

Specifically, Ruskin says, “validate in a thoughtful, kind and understanding manner your mother’s perspective by reflecting upon what she just said through your mother’s lens. Then verbalize your hope that her voice and yours can be heard so that you can have an open relationship with her in which both of your perspectives matter. Finally, share your perspective whether it is that you are not ready or some other reason.”

If your mother persists, your reasoning falls on deaf ears or you find yourself emotionally exhausted from an ongoing and stressful discussion, you can ask your husband to speak up — but he must tread carefully. “One of the beautiful things about being in a committed, loving relationship is that in times when you’re feeling vulnerable, your partner can take a stand to protect you,” says Tara Fields, Ph.D., couples therapist and author of The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now.

Together, you can decide on how he can best approach your mother. For example, he can lovingly say, “‘I know you love my amazing spouse as much as I do, and I treasure our relationship, but I am going to take a stand on her behalf,'” Fields says. “He’s setting a boundary and saying, ‘this topic is off limits until further notice.'”

Read the original article here.

How to Solve the Most Common Relationship Conflicts

When you hit a relationship rut—you and your partner argue about the same thing over and over again—it can seem like there’s no end in sight. So how to escape these exhausting conflict loops? On this week’s episode of “The Labor of Love,” host and RealSimple.com editor Lori Leibovich talks to Tara Fields, a marriage and family therapist and author of The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now, about the five most common and vexing relationship conflicts—and the straightforward solutions that can help couples sort them out.

1. The Parent Trap. When one partner takes on the role of being the parent to the other, begins micro-managing, and insists on having things done a certain way.

The solution: Begin by identifying where these roles stem from. Is there an underlying anxiety or fear at play? If one partner has become so afraid of doing something wrong, he or she will likely shut down and not take any action at all. 

2. Come Close, Go Away. When one partner begins to feel abandoned—and doesn’t understand why the other needs so much alone time.

The solution: Find the healthy balance of being a “we,” and work to create an interdependent relationship. As a couple, you should be “one,” but both partners should also have a sense of autonomy. 

3. Blame Game and the Shame Spiral. When one partner begins to blame and shame the other, often reverting us to our most juvenile selves (name-calling and flaring tempers). 

The solution: Take ownership, practice mindfulness, and do your best not to be reactive. Speak honestly, and say “I’m not feeling good about what’s going on, so when you want to talk about feelings, I’m available.” 

4. Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3. When one partner has started to feel invisible, so he or she begins testing boundaries—flirting with somebody else, checking in with a former fling, etc.  

The solution: Find the emotional courage to ask directly for what you want. Start an open and honest conversation with your partner, and don’t wait for him or her to be the one to do so.

5. Growing Apart. When both partners have begun taking each other for granted, and one person is beginning to grow out of the relationship.

The solution: Be willing to change as an individual as the relationship changes. During major life events, strive to become a team and be there for one another. Start creating the kind of relationship that no one or nothing outside the relationship can destroy.

Read the original article here.

You’re Voting for Hillary, He’s Supporting Trump: Should You Just Break Up Now?

The Love Fix: Repair And Restore Your Relationship Right Now

SEPTEMBER 15, 2015 – BY ROSE CAIOLA

Maintaining a lifelong relationship is often difficult, even under the best of circumstances. As a society, many people turn away from the obstacles that come up in relationships rather than learning to deal with them—one of the biggest challenges being conflict. While conflict is inevitable, it’s how you handle it that will make or break your relationship. It’s no secret that communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship—being able to express your wants and needs in a healthy way separates summer flings from relationships that endure all seasons. To put it simply, a couple that can learn how to fight together, stays together.

While conflict can be the driving force behind breakups and divorce, it also has the potential to bring you closer together and strengthen your relationship. In The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now, licensed marriage and family therapist Dr Tara Fields discusses the five common conflicts that couples experience and the ways to stop rehashing the same arguments.

So how do we break the negative patterns in our relationships? By figuring out what it is that you’re really fighting about, once you determine the root of the problem, you can move together toward resolving. Fields cleverly paves the way in this step-by-step guide to building and strengthening relationships filled with love, support and understanding. Here is an excerpt from the book on learning to move past conflict:

Part of my job as a psychotherapist is to see couples with fresh eyes—and to remind them that no matter how bad things have gotten, they can get better. How do I know? Because there’s a simple truth about all relationships that most of us miss: It’s not the fighting or the resentment or the icy indifference or the fact that “he never listens.” In other words, it’s not what you’re fighting about that matters. It’s the patterns you fall into when you fight that can tear a relationship apart. Clients come in and say, “Tara, I don’t get it. I have never loved anyone like this, and I have never had conflict like this. Am I with the wrong person? Should we just quit? Am I crazy? Did I make a mistake?”

No! If you’re feeling this way, you’re not crazy, and it doesn’t mean you have made the wrong choice in a partner. Most often it means you made a good choice. There’s a line I love from the book A Course in Miracles, published by the Foundation for Inner Peace: “Love brings up every- thing unlike itself . . . to be healed.” Love brings up everything you have kept hidden away: unresolved wounds and traumas, fears. Perhaps you feel safe enough, vulnerable enough, in love to allow these old feelings and experiences to resurface. Letting love take the lid off Pandora’s box frees those demons—and once they are free, they can be healed.

Here’s what happens: you get a ring or move in together or you join hearts—you become part of someone else’s world, and that person becomes part of yours—and

then the conflict starts. Maybe it was there all along, and you thought this next step of commitment would make it all go away. Whatever the case, when the conflict starts or grows, you make the mistake of thinking it must be because you’re with the wrong person. You say, “Hey, if I was with the right person, we wouldn’t be fighting, right?”

But the important truth is that it’s never all hearts and flowers. In fact, when you find the person you love and this person loves you back, that love will permeate the layers of protection you’ve built to keep yourself safe; it will get down to so many things you’ve never dealt with before. It may be exactly because you found the right person that you’re fighting—now your heart is open; you’re here in the moment, sitting with yourself in a way you never have before; and now you have the chance through this relationship to let these unresolved issues and fears bubble up from your past so that you can heal them in an authentic way. You have an opportunity: if you can reframe your relationship with conflict, not only can you find your way back to the passion and wide-eyed wonder you once felt in your relationship, but you can also use the safety of a relation- ship in which you reach out and your partner reaches back to learn more about yourself. Can you reframe this conflict as an opportunity not only to repair and strengthen the relationship with your beloved but also to heal your own wounds?

I have seen couples find peace, come closer together, save their relationships, and build relationships that last by simply understanding how they handle their problems and making some pretty straightforward changes to how they communicate. You would be surprised how many more relationships would work, how many more families would stay together, and how many more people would be happy and fulfilled in their relationships if they could take a step back from their conflicts. If you’re fighting or locked in conflict right now, right as you read these words, you have one of the greatest opportunities of your life to connect deeply with your partner and with yourself. My hope is that this book—which explains and explores the five most common fighting patterns couples fall into, offers insight from couples who have broken out of those conflict loops, and provides the tools to help build a lasting relationship—will be a guide for you and give you the courage to reach for the beautiful relationship that is within your power to create.

Read the original article here.

Relationship Author Dr. Tara Fields’ Love Advice: “The Happiest Couples Don’t Necessarily Have More or Less Conflict”

Courtesy of Redbook Magazine - Article Featuring Tara Fields, Ph.D., LMFT

15 Ways You’re Secretly Ruining Your Marriage


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YOU TEND TO PLAY THE VICTIM

You tend to play the victim
On the flip side, looking for ways he’s wronged you is a common defense mechanism when you’re feeling hurt or frustrated. It’s all too easy to throw a pity party when he goes on a work trip, leaving you to handle the kids and house. But it’s not a constructive way to resolve the deeper feelings that are leading you to victimize yourself. In her new book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now, Tara Fields, Ph.D., LMFT, suggests a healthy way to release your anger: Write a letter to your partner, dumping all of your anger there. “Give yourself permission to wallow in the Land of Me, where everything is all about you,” she says. “Play the victim. Blame and shame all you want. Be as critical toward your partner as you need to be.” Then, tear it up or burn it. After this exercise, you should be more in touch with the emotions under the anger (sadness, longing, etc.), and you can have a heartfelt conversation with your husband about what led you to feel that way—in a way he can hear.


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YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT

Many couples have a tough time conceding at the right moments—meaning they never learn when it’s okay to be the “loser” in an argument. For instance, if you insist you didn’t mean to be bossy when you handed him a to-do list of chores for the weekend, but he says it made him feel like your assistant, don’t argue. “Once you recognize that your buttons have been pushed and you’ve stopped to take a breath, you can ask yourself, ‘Do I need to be right? Or do I want to be a loving and supportive partner?” says Fields. Sometimes, it’s not your intentions that matter so much as the effects of your words or actions—and taking ownership of those is the key to turning a potential conflict into a constructive, even positive, interaction.


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YOU’RE NOT ON THE SAME TEAM
In group settings, you don’t always have your husband’s back. Like when he wears that shirt you hate and you can’t resist making a snarky comment. No matter whom it’s in front of, the criticism hurts and it breaks the sacred, unspoken bubble of trust you have as a couple. It alienates you, showing others that you’re not a united front. Always try to be respectful, and if it’s still bothering you when you get home, bring up the issue behind closed doors. That way you can air it out sans audience—and without bruising his ego.  

Read the original article here.