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4 months ago
Survival Strategies Harden into Habits!
How The childhood tactics that got us through hard times now imprison us. ![]()
One thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over us with a red face. Sheepishly running away, cowering in a bedroom closet with an economy-size bag of chips, waiting for the storm to subside are behaviors that may be the ideal strategy for the situation. It keeps you safe long enough for the parent to realize they were out of control. ![]()
As an adult, protections may take another form. Reactionary behaviors—nasty, hurtful remarks or zingers that go straight to the heart, or withdrawing and retreating, are not protections. They assist in creating the very thing you think you are protecting yourself against: heartache, loneliness, rejection, conflict. In an adult relationship, you may not feel strong enough to endure one more tedious argument and consciously or unconsciously find a way to retreat. If it’s an out-of-control argument, that may still be a wise choice. However, if it’s a conflict loop that keeps recurring and your partner is not out of control, but is merely frustrated, withdrawing may reinforce the loop.![]()
What habitual behaviors do you use to avoid pain or escape anger? What are you asking for that your partner is unwilling to give? And what is on the other side of this argument – what is your partner not getting that they need to feel heard, understood, respected, loved, safe enough to open up? Understand that both partners have a part in every conflict loop. Think about it: you can’t sustain a Come Close, Go Away loop unless one partner pushes and the other pulls. But at the core of every destructive behavioral pattern is a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, heard, and understood. ![]()
In the heat of the moment, however, the last thing people want to do is take responsibility for their role. No one wants to stop and say, “Gee, let me step back and take ownership for my part.” It’s difficult to accept responsibility, and normal to avoid it. But it can become a major problem when couples become like dogs with a bone, rabidly insisting that their problems are—solely and completely—the other person’s fault. He doesn’t listen. She’s clingy and needy. It’s all her fault. It’s all his problem. Looking at your part in the matter is a crucial part of the process. Muster up the courage to understand your role and your partner’s in order for the two of you to make the necessary changes that will breathe new life into your relationship. For more advice and the steps, Heartwork, and 3-Minute Fixes to transform your conflict loop into a Circle of Love, check out my book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Now.
4 months ago
Survival Strategies Harden into Habits!
How The childhood tactics that got us through hard times now imprison us. ![]()
One thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over us with a red face. Sheepishly running away, cowering in a bedroom closet with an economy-size bag of chips, waiting for the storm to subside are behaviors that may be the ideal strategy for the situation. It keeps you safe long enough for the parent to realize they were out of control. ![]()
As an adult, protections may take another form. Reactionary behaviors—nasty, hurtful remarks or zingers that go straight to the heart, or withdrawing and retreating, are not protections. They assist in creating the very thing you think you are protecting yourself against: heartache, loneliness, rejection, conflict. In an adult relationship, you may not feel strong enough to endure one more tedious argument and consciously or unconsciously find a way to retreat. If it’s an out-of-control argument, that may still be a wise choice. However, if it’s a conflict loop that keeps recurring and your partner is not out of control, but is merely frustrated, withdrawing may reinforce the loop.![]()
What habitual behaviors do you use to avoid pain or escape anger? What are you asking for that your partner is unwilling to give? And what is on the other side of this argument – what is your partner not getting that they need to feel heard, understood, respected, loved, safe enough to open up? Understand that both partners have a part in every conflict loop. Think about it: you can’t sustain a Come Close, Go Away loop unless one partner pushes and the other pulls. But at the core of every destructive behavioral pattern is a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, heard, and understood. ![]()
In the heat of the moment, however, the last thing people want to do is take responsibility for their role. No one wants to stop and say, “Gee, let me step back and take ownership for my part.” It’s difficult to accept responsibility, and normal to avoid it. But it can become a major problem when couples become like dogs with a bone, rabidly insisting that their problems are—solely and completely—the other person’s fault. He doesn’t listen. She’s clingy and needy. It’s all her fault. It’s all his problem. Looking at your part in the matter is a crucial part of the process. Muster up the courage to understand your role and your partner’s in order for the two of you to make the necessary changes that will breathe new life into your relationship. For more advice and the steps, Heartwork, and 3-Minute Fixes to transform your conflict loop into a Circle of Love, check out my book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Now.
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3 years ago
Solid advice beyond Valentines Day!
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Reclaim Valentine’s Day! | Tara Fields
www.tarafields.com
Instead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you. Instead of just “getting through” Valenti...
Tara Fields, PhD
is feeling happy.
3 years ago
Check out my blog for solid advice the goes beyond just Valentine's Day
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Reclaim Valentine’s Day! | Tara Fields
www.tarafields.com
Instead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you. Instead of just “getting through” Valenti...4 years ago
www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/12/16/well/mental-health-crisis-america-covid.html
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We Asked 1,320 Therapists What They’re Hearing From Patients
www.nytimes.com
Frontline mental health workers in every state say they can’t keep up with the demand from patients struggling with the disruptions of pandemic life.
The Real Reason Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Are Still Wearing Their Wedding Rings
Ever since announcing their divorce, and subsequently depressing all of America, Jen and Ben have been seen about town still wearing their wedding rings, which has frankly made it hard for us to grieve, and a little bit confused.
Apparently they’re doing it to present a united front for the sake of their three kids, Violet, 9, Seraphina, 6, and Samuel, 3, who they have said they’re “committed to co-parenting.”
Marriage and family therapist, and author of The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Right Now,Dr. Tara Fields told us that Ben and Jen are doing it to send a message to the media that they’re still a team.
“They’re saying, no matter what you’re reading, we’re still a team, we’re still parents.” They’re also doing it as a reminder to their children that while their relationship with each other may have changed, the way they feel about their family has not, and never will.
Dr. Fields adds, “During a divorce, there are so many phases of grieving, and in the early stages, a couple can feel some internal ambivalence that can manifest externally. Together, a couple can say ‘let’s both decide as a team to put our rings back on’ which is a fantastic choice, especially for famous people who are vulnerable and want to protect their kids.”
“Wearing their rings is a wonderful way to say that no matter what is happening, we can still control this one element and that’s the statement they’re making to the outside world and their children.”
A source close to the couple agrees with Dr. Fields. The “insider” conferred to People, that the rings do act as a symbol for their children. “They just want their kids to be okay.”
And that’s something we can certainly stand by.
Dr. Dean Edell reviews THE LOVE FIX
Dr. Dean Edell’s spectacular review of THE LOVE FIX:
When you fall in love you ultimately raise your chances of eventual conflict and pain. If you accept that conflict can be a great teacher then you are ready for the next level. Yes, Dr. Tara Fields has three decades under her belt as a couple’s therapist but unlike most of her brethren, also has had a vast experience in the media. So she knows how to communicate. And you are the beneficiary. That’s only one reason why this is the best relationship book I have ever read. Modern psychological research has advanced our knowledge beyond the simplistic idea that relationship problems are because men and women are from different planets! Hang on, because if you are serious about improving fixing and growing your love look no further. First, this is NOT a book full of vague feel-good platitudes and homilies. Yes, it is wise and modern but most important for me, refreshingly objective, down to earth, direct and practical. For instance, you and your partner can take self assessment tests (HEARTwork) that give you a numerical score for your feelings and relationship status…then armed with such REAL information, you will find simple practical exercises ( 3-minute Fix) that anyone can do . And then there are the stories about real people gleaned from Fields extensive experience as a therapist. These vignettes read like a novel you can’t put down. I believe that this is an important book even if you are not in a stressed relationship. The push in medicine these days is prevention. Why not take that attitude about your relationship which after all can be the most important source of joy or misery in your life. This is a must read for all of us.
Dean Edell M.D.
How To Stop Driving Love Away
If you’re still dancing the “come-close-go away” with someone you care about, or just sabotaged yet another promising romance, maybe it’s time to look at what you’re doing and try something new. Read more
California Passes Bill Banning Gay Reparative Therapy
Originally posted: 05/31/2012 3:45 pm Updated: 06/02/2012 1:54 pm in The Huffington Post
Robin Wilkey
robin.wilkey@huffingtonpost.com
The California State Senate approved a bill that would make California the first state in the nation to ban the use of conversion therapy, a type of psychotherapy aimed at turning LGBT people straight, among minors.
. . . .
However, the ban is not without its critics.
The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) quickly came out against the bill on its website, citing it as inappropriate government intrusion.
“Bull,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Tara Fields in response. “There are so many laws and guidelines regarding therapy because it is such a sacred resource for humans. People who come in here sometimes have serious psychological damages and it is essential that those boundaries exist.”
Fields said that, while there is little evidence supporting the success of conversion therapy, there is much evidence to support its impacts.
“There are those who have white-knuckled it and claimed that they’ve been converted. But research has shown profound negative psychological impacts, including anxiety and depression, as a result,” she told HuffPost. “And as therapists, we don’t have a right to decide what other people’s values should be.”
For the full article go to The Huffington Post
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