Are you carrying the burden of shame that doesn’t belong to you?Were you Sexually abused as a child? Were those who were suppose to protect you choose to turn a blind eye, choosing to not see what they see or know what they know– we take on their shame.As they grow up, children who are […]
Working from Home: Dream Job, or Welcome to Hell?
If you have a daily commute kind of job, you may fantasize about working from home, thinking, “Wow. That’s the life.” But ask any professional who does it, and you’ll get an earful. Now that the Coronavirus is forcing all sorts of people who generally drive to an office to shift their workspace, here’s how to navigate what Craig Faustus Buck, a novelist, calls “the potpourri of procrastination opportunities provided by the lack of supervision.”
Reclaim Valentine’s Day!
Read moreInstead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you.
How to Stop Playing the “WHEN, THEN” Game
Embrace the Present and Enjoy (the) “Now”Feeling anxious and powerless about the future since the November 8 election? Join the club.There has never been a better time to role up our sleeves and empower ourselves by working on what we do have control of and what is truly important…our relationships.Working on a relationship is . […]
Feeling Frayed from a Tug Of War with your Partner? End it today!
November 8, 2016Feeling anxious and powerless? You are not alone. Anxiety and feelings of powerlessness are at an all time high. To assuage those feelings it helps to take charge of the things you can control. If you are in a power struggle with your partner you have the power to end it today.Here’s how…. Imagine a tug […]
Tangled Up and Blue?
How To Ease A Conflict Loop In Your RelationshipConflict and Protections in ChildhoodOne thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over […]
Affair of the Heart vs. Sexual Affair: Part 2 Rebuilding the Trust
No Trust – No Relationship.Ripping down trust may take only a few minutes, but it takes a long time to rebuild it. We talked about transparency in Part 1 of this two part series, but let’s go a bit deeper into what it really means. Exhibiting total transparency in an effort to rebuild trust in […]
Affair of the Heart vs Sexual Affair: Part 1 Which is More Devastating?
Part 1 of a Two Part Series on Rebuilding The Relationship After an Affair of the Heart or Sexual AffairThe revelation of an affair of the heart (where a partner fell in love and/or had a deep emotional involvement) or a sexual affair is devastating but it doesn’t have to end a committed relationship. In […]
5 Tips for Spotting Red Flags During the First Few Dates
In The Love Fix, I talk a lot about expectations. Timing is everything. Before you even start dating, think about who you want as your life partner. Sit with yourself. What are your deal-breakers? Then, how do you envision a relationship? Are you looking out for the red flags?A psychiatrist wrote a book for therapists […]
The Two Faces of Anger: How to Turn Anger into Love
Back in the eighties, the personal growth movement and certain schools of therapy said that if you’re feeling angry, you should share it with the other person, just dump it on him or her, leaving the other person a mere puddle on the ground. This was supposed to help you release your anger. Maybe it even […]
Facebook Posts
7 months ago
Survival Strategies Harden into Habits!
How The childhood tactics that got us through hard times now imprison us. ![]()
One thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over us with a red face. Sheepishly running away, cowering in a bedroom closet with an economy-size bag of chips, waiting for the storm to subside are behaviors that may be the ideal strategy for the situation. It keeps you safe long enough for the parent to realize they were out of control. ![]()
As an adult, protections may take another form. Reactionary behaviors—nasty, hurtful remarks or zingers that go straight to the heart, or withdrawing and retreating, are not protections. They assist in creating the very thing you think you are protecting yourself against: heartache, loneliness, rejection, conflict. In an adult relationship, you may not feel strong enough to endure one more tedious argument and consciously or unconsciously find a way to retreat. If it’s an out-of-control argument, that may still be a wise choice. However, if it’s a conflict loop that keeps recurring and your partner is not out of control, but is merely frustrated, withdrawing may reinforce the loop.![]()
What habitual behaviors do you use to avoid pain or escape anger? What are you asking for that your partner is unwilling to give? And what is on the other side of this argument – what is your partner not getting that they need to feel heard, understood, respected, loved, safe enough to open up? Understand that both partners have a part in every conflict loop. Think about it: you can’t sustain a Come Close, Go Away loop unless one partner pushes and the other pulls. But at the core of every destructive behavioral pattern is a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, heard, and understood. ![]()
In the heat of the moment, however, the last thing people want to do is take responsibility for their role. No one wants to stop and say, “Gee, let me step back and take ownership for my part.” It’s difficult to accept responsibility, and normal to avoid it. But it can become a major problem when couples become like dogs with a bone, rabidly insisting that their problems are—solely and completely—the other person’s fault. He doesn’t listen. She’s clingy and needy. It’s all her fault. It’s all his problem. Looking at your part in the matter is a crucial part of the process. Muster up the courage to understand your role and your partner’s in order for the two of you to make the necessary changes that will breathe new life into your relationship. For more advice and the steps, Heartwork, and 3-Minute Fixes to transform your conflict loop into a Circle of Love, check out my book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Now.
... See MoreSee Less
7 months ago
Survival Strategies Harden into Habits!
How The childhood tactics that got us through hard times now imprison us. ![]()
One thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over us with a red face. Sheepishly running away, cowering in a bedroom closet with an economy-size bag of chips, waiting for the storm to subside are behaviors that may be the ideal strategy for the situation. It keeps you safe long enough for the parent to realize they were out of control. ![]()
As an adult, protections may take another form. Reactionary behaviors—nasty, hurtful remarks or zingers that go straight to the heart, or withdrawing and retreating, are not protections. They assist in creating the very thing you think you are protecting yourself against: heartache, loneliness, rejection, conflict. In an adult relationship, you may not feel strong enough to endure one more tedious argument and consciously or unconsciously find a way to retreat. If it’s an out-of-control argument, that may still be a wise choice. However, if it’s a conflict loop that keeps recurring and your partner is not out of control, but is merely frustrated, withdrawing may reinforce the loop.![]()
What habitual behaviors do you use to avoid pain or escape anger? What are you asking for that your partner is unwilling to give? And what is on the other side of this argument – what is your partner not getting that they need to feel heard, understood, respected, loved, safe enough to open up? Understand that both partners have a part in every conflict loop. Think about it: you can’t sustain a Come Close, Go Away loop unless one partner pushes and the other pulls. But at the core of every destructive behavioral pattern is a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, heard, and understood. ![]()
In the heat of the moment, however, the last thing people want to do is take responsibility for their role. No one wants to stop and say, “Gee, let me step back and take ownership for my part.” It’s difficult to accept responsibility, and normal to avoid it. But it can become a major problem when couples become like dogs with a bone, rabidly insisting that their problems are—solely and completely—the other person’s fault. He doesn’t listen. She’s clingy and needy. It’s all her fault. It’s all his problem. Looking at your part in the matter is a crucial part of the process. Muster up the courage to understand your role and your partner’s in order for the two of you to make the necessary changes that will breathe new life into your relationship. For more advice and the steps, Heartwork, and 3-Minute Fixes to transform your conflict loop into a Circle of Love, check out my book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Now.
... See MoreSee Less
3 years ago
Solid advice beyond Valentines Day!
... See MoreSee Less
Reclaim Valentine’s Day! | Tara Fields
www.tarafields.com
Instead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you. Instead of just “getting through” Valenti...
Tara Fields, PhD
is feeling happy.
3 years ago
Check out my blog for solid advice the goes beyond just Valentine's Day
... See MoreSee Less
Reclaim Valentine’s Day! | Tara Fields
www.tarafields.com
Instead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you. Instead of just “getting through” Valenti...4 years ago
www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/12/16/well/mental-health-crisis-america-covid.html
... See MoreSee Less
We Asked 1,320 Therapists What They’re Hearing From Patients
www.nytimes.com
Frontline mental health workers in every state say they can’t keep up with the demand from patients struggling with the disruptions of pandemic life.










