Back in the eighties, the personal growth movement and certain schools of therapy said that if you’re feeling angry, you should share it with the other person, just dump it on him or her, leaving the other person a mere puddle on the ground. This was supposed to help you release your anger. Maybe it even worked. Maybe it gave you a momentary rush of power and feeling of being in control. However, it was a quick fix that helped you feel better in the moment but that did nothing to address the wreckage you left behind.
If you are the recipient of the anger in your relationship, maybe you think that you’re being a loving partner by letting your partner “get it all out” while you stand there, keep your mouth shut, and take it. But in this situation the loving action, one that will also ultimately help to strengthen your relationship, is being honest and having the emotional courage to say, “Listen, when you get angry like this, my heart shuts down, I want to distance myself, and I even start questioning the relationship.”
Intention is everything. Are you open to refraining from dumping your anger on your partner or, conversely, to help your partner release his or her anger, and you’ll master the art of letting your anger go so you can remove the barrier that the anger is creating? Underneath anger is almost always fear, pain, and/or terror over being vulnerable. Anger is a mask for these emotions, emotions you or your partner would otherwise have to feel. A question to ask which I have probably said more times than I can count to individuals in treatment is “if you weren’t feeling angry, what would you feel?”
You might say, “Can’t I just get angry and get this off my chest so I can get to figuring out what is really going on?” Once you have a history together and confidence in your and your partner’s intentions and ability to learn, grow, and take ownership, then in certain situations, such as in a therapist’s office, and with your partner’s permission and only with the intention of getting at what the anger is masking, you might allow yourself to get angry. But too often anger is employed to intimidate your partner into doing what you want. In other words, it’s not a form of protection, a mask for fear or pain, but rather a tool for manipulation and control. When you angrily blame or shame your partner, you are trying to take power. Expressing anger is also a good way to ensure that you stay trapped in a conflict loop, rather than work toward a circle of love, and you miss out on the opportunity to access and heal the pain that lies beneath as well as creating the intimacy and the loving connection we all long for.
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Survival Strategies Harden into Habits!![]()
How The childhood tactics that got us through hard times now imprison us. ![]()
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One thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over us with a red face. Sheepishly running away, cowering in a bedroom closet with an economy-size bag of chips, waiting for the storm to subside are behaviors that may be the ideal strategy for the situation. It keeps you safe long enough for the parent to realize they were out of control. ![]()
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As an adult, protections may take another form. Reactionary behaviors—nasty, hurtful remarks or zingers that go straight to the heart, or withdrawing and retreating, are not protections. They assist in creating the very thing you think you are protecting yourself against: heartache, loneliness, rejection, conflict. In an adult relationship, you may not feel strong enough to endure one more tedious argument and consciously or unconsciously find a way to retreat. If it’s an out-of-control argument, that may still be a wise choice. However, if it’s a conflict loop that keeps recurring and your partner is not out of control, but is merely frustrated, withdrawing may reinforce the loop.![]()
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What habitual behaviors do you use to avoid pain or escape anger? What are you asking for that your partner is unwilling to give? And what is on the other side of this argument – what is your partner not getting that they need to feel heard, understood, respected, loved, safe enough to open up? Understand that both partners have a part in every conflict loop. Think about it: you can’t sustain a Come Close, Go Away loop unless one partner pushes and the other pulls. But at the core of every destructive behavioral pattern is a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, heard, and understood. ![]()
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In the heat of the moment, however, the last thing people want to do is take responsibility for their role. No one wants to stop and say, “Gee, let me step back and take ownership for my part.” It’s difficult to accept responsibility, and normal to avoid it. But it can become a major problem when couples become like dogs with a bone, rabidly insisting that their problems are—solely and completely—the other person’s fault. He doesn’t listen. She’s clingy and needy. It’s all her fault. It’s all his problem. Looking at your part in the matter is a crucial part of the process. Muster up the courage to understand your role and your partner’s in order for the two of you to make the necessary changes that will breathe new life into your relationship. For more advice and the steps, Heartwork, and 3-Minute Fixes to transform your conflict loop into a Circle of Love, check out my book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Now.
Survival Strategies Harden into Habits!![]()
How The childhood tactics that got us through hard times now imprison us. ![]()
![]()
One thing we learn in childhood is how to create ways to feel safe and protect ourselves. As children, we are living in the land of giants and even if we have loving parents, there is still the occasion where a parent is towering over us with a red face. Sheepishly running away, cowering in a bedroom closet with an economy-size bag of chips, waiting for the storm to subside are behaviors that may be the ideal strategy for the situation. It keeps you safe long enough for the parent to realize they were out of control. ![]()
![]()
As an adult, protections may take another form. Reactionary behaviors—nasty, hurtful remarks or zingers that go straight to the heart, or withdrawing and retreating, are not protections. They assist in creating the very thing you think you are protecting yourself against: heartache, loneliness, rejection, conflict. In an adult relationship, you may not feel strong enough to endure one more tedious argument and consciously or unconsciously find a way to retreat. If it’s an out-of-control argument, that may still be a wise choice. However, if it’s a conflict loop that keeps recurring and your partner is not out of control, but is merely frustrated, withdrawing may reinforce the loop.![]()
![]()
What habitual behaviors do you use to avoid pain or escape anger? What are you asking for that your partner is unwilling to give? And what is on the other side of this argument – what is your partner not getting that they need to feel heard, understood, respected, loved, safe enough to open up? Understand that both partners have a part in every conflict loop. Think about it: you can’t sustain a Come Close, Go Away loop unless one partner pushes and the other pulls. But at the core of every destructive behavioral pattern is a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, heard, and understood. ![]()
![]()
In the heat of the moment, however, the last thing people want to do is take responsibility for their role. No one wants to stop and say, “Gee, let me step back and take ownership for my part.” It’s difficult to accept responsibility, and normal to avoid it. But it can become a major problem when couples become like dogs with a bone, rabidly insisting that their problems are—solely and completely—the other person’s fault. He doesn’t listen. She’s clingy and needy. It’s all her fault. It’s all his problem. Looking at your part in the matter is a crucial part of the process. Muster up the courage to understand your role and your partner’s in order for the two of you to make the necessary changes that will breathe new life into your relationship. For more advice and the steps, Heartwork, and 3-Minute Fixes to transform your conflict loop into a Circle of Love, check out my book The Love Fix: Repair and Restore Your Relationship Now.
Solid advice beyond Valentines Day!
Reclaim Valentine’s Day! | Tara Fields
www.tarafields.com
Instead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you. Instead of just “getting through” Valenti...
Check out my blog for solid advice the goes beyond just Valentine's Day
Reclaim Valentine’s Day! | Tara Fields
www.tarafields.com
Instead of swiping right and looking for someone new this Valentine’s Day, put down the phone and re-new the relationship that is right in front of you. Instead of just “getting through” Valenti...
We Asked 1,320 Therapists What They’re Hearing From Patients
www.nytimes.com
Frontline mental health workers in every state say they can’t keep up with the demand from patients struggling with the disruptions of pandemic life.Connect and Share
